I’m trying to read books that I bought and put in my bookshelf, but never read, so I can throw them away. The one I’m currently reading is called “Fierce Conversations” by Susan Scott. I don’t recall why I bought it, but it’s thought provoking. Her premise is that we can be more successful at work and in life if we are willing to talk about the important but difficult subjects, and take the risk of being more honest in our conversations.
I believe her, but fear it’s easier said than done. In the workplace particularly, people often seem to be nice more than direct, and we tend to avoid the difficult, emotion-laden subjects. Just last week I was having a philosophical chat with someone at work and he said, “Oh you know how people are at work, they don’t really say what’s on their mind.”
The author encourages us to “come out from behind ourselves into the conversation and make it real.” That involves being willing to take on the hard subjects, being more honest and minimizing the degree to which we couch our messages with polite wrappers so that the real meaning is obscured. I was reminded of a couple examples from my past.
One acquaintance from many years ago helped me understand the power of honesty. I was working with this young executive who owned a $30M food service company. At that time, I believed that executives were the ones with all the answers and had opinions on most subjects. So he surprised me when I asked for his take on a tough problem and he said, “I don’t know much about that subject; I have no opinion.” His honesty only added to his power, not reduced it, as my mental model would have suggested. Subsequently, he showed this trait regularly. It was an enduring lesson for me; I respected him even more for having the confidence to admit ignorance.
An anecdote from my last job helped me understand the value of broaching the hard subjects. Our IT department was in trouble, people were in fear of losing their jobs, and the president told the CIO to fix it. The CIO called an offsite meeting for 30 people to talk about our problems and brainstorm solutions. In the first hour, the CIO asked for opinions on our current situation and what was working and where we were failing. One of the last people called upon was a technician from the Help Desk that everyone loved because he solved their PC problems and did it with a smile. He said, “I don’t think we’ve accomplished anything yet, we’re all being too polite.” He said we were mostly patting ourselves on the back for our good points and not admitting any of our paralyzing problems, and he broke the ice by describing one of our “unmentionable” problems. His courage and honesty changed the course of the meeting. Others became willing to risk opening up also.
As the author says, “There is something within us that responds deeply to people who level with us.” Reading this book and recalling these examples helps me appreciate the value of such conversations, but I also believe it’s hard to muster the courage and talk through difficult subjects effectively.
Have you ever experienced honesty that surprised you in a good way? Did it help?