Embracing the uncomfortable

Coming out of my Negotiations class on a rainy April afternoon, I was feeling quite disappointed. We had just completed an exercise on a multi-party negotiation for the development of a fictional new port on the East Coast, and I did not feel thrilled about the outcome. All students were assigned roles of interested parties and worked in groups of six to reach an agreement that would allow the development of the port. The purpose of the exercise was to practice making the right alliances and moves throughout the negotiation – new topics presented in that class – to make a favorable deal.

At the end of the exercise, however, I was pretty frustrated. I felt that I had failed to understand and apply the fundamental concepts and methods presented by our instructor. My conversations with the other parties did not seem particularly effective, while the negotiation process did not flow as smoothly as I wanted it to.

Having started a master’s program recently, I am constantly exposed to new ideas, frameworks and theories; during lectures, while reading papers, when discussing with peers. Learning something new, though, feels taxing, not exactly fluent or fun, and sometimes even stressful. I often find that I have to consciously remind myself that this is how the learning process is supposed to be; it is supposed to be uncomfortable. Realizing that the world is not necessarily as you have understood it. It is a messy process, and you just have to stick it out before everything starts to make sense.

To be effective, learning needs to be effortful. That is not to say that anything that makes learning easier is counterproductive, or that all unpleasant learning is effective. Quality learning, however, requires what scientists call “desirable difficulty”. The same way you feel a muscle “burn” when it is being strengthened, the brain needs to feel some discomfort when it is learning. Your mind might hurt for a while, but that is a good thing.

As kids, we do not know enough to judge ourselves harshly, so we naturally cut ourselves some slack. We are not worried that we are not getting it fast enough. We just keep working to understand. Learning new skills and concepts as an adult is no different, but we like to think we are experienced enough to make the process easier, more organized and less frustrating. But that is not the way learning works. To learn, we must embrace the uncomfortable.

Few people actually enjoy the feeling of being uncomfortable. I struggle with it. The challenge is to get past that initial feeling of wanting to return to the norm, so you can grow and benefit from that discomfort. But I do love how I feel when I get to the other side. The feeling of accomplishment and understanding are completely satisfying, especially when the growth process has been a big challenge.

So, what can you do to make the uncomfortable learning process more constructive and less stressful? Here are a few tips I have gathered from friends, peers, mentors and personal experience:

• Be willing to be bad first; a combination of accepting being not-good and believing in your ability to get good. This a challenge for high-achieving, successful people accustomed to excellence. Being good at stuff is addictive. Letting go of that and going back to getting good at stuff seems not an option. But that is what you have to do in order to start learning something new.
• Include your closest friends, peers and mentors in the process so they can support you and share in your struggles and eventual success. If you can persuade another friend to join you on the journey, it is even better.
• Celebrate small wins by setting achievable milestones and getting excited every time you reach one. Be proud and pleased with each progressive step you achieve towards the end goal.
• Take some time to clear your mind by meditating, exercising, listening to music or praying. It is important to calm both your brain and soul by taking small breaks from the learning challenges that lie ahead.
• Make sure you set time away for simple tasks that you have already mastered. This can rebuild your confidence and remind you that you have powered through difficulty before.